Growing up Together: 10 Strategies to Manage Sibling Rivalry in Neurodiverse Families

Does it ever feel like your kids are constantly competing for your attention?  

For parents, balancing the needs of all children can be an overwhelming task. In neurodiverse families these dynamics can become even more complex. However, understanding attention dynamics and fostering empathy within the families can create opportunities for growth and a sense of belonging for everyone. 

The Challenges of Sibling Rivalry in Neurodiverse Families 

Balancing the unique needs of neurodiverse and neurotypical children can feel like a constant tug-of-war. Neurotypical siblings may find it difficult to understand their sibling’s behaviours or feel left out due to the extra attention required by their neurodiverse siblings. These challenges can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and strained relationships if not addressed with care and intention. 

Sibling rivalry arises from differences in attention allocation, perceived fairness, and the unique challenges presented by neurodiverse conditions such as ADHD and autism. Studies suggest that neurotypical siblings may experience feelings of neglect or increased caregiving responsibility, which can lead to emotional strain. Additionally, Miodrag & Hodapp (2010) emphasise the importance of resilience-building strategies in families with neurodiverse members, advocating for structured routines and communication techniques to mitigate these challenges. 

It is important to approach this with empathy and view it as a unique set of opportunities for growth. Neurodiversity advocates remind us that ‘different brains think in different ways.’ This mindset celebrates diversity and fosters creativity, resilience, and teamwork. Embracing diverse perspectives can be used to help siblings strengthen their bonds and celebrate each other’s strengths.  

Neuroscience Insight

Did you know that oxytocin, the “love hormone,” plays a key role in sibling bonding?  Feldman (2012) established that oxytocin influences attachment and social connection in familial relationships, supporting the claim that shared positive experiences, such as hugging and celebrating achievements, strengthen sibling bonds. This aligns with research indicating that intentional efforts to increase oxytocin-driven interactions can foster closeness among siblings, particularly in families with neurodiverse children. 

10 Strategies to Manage Sibling Rivalry in Neurodiverse Families 

Fostering harmony and connection among siblings requires intentional approaches. Integrating strategies to navigate sibling dynamics between neurodiverse and neurotypical children and balancing attention can occur in many different ways. It is important to try different approaches to discover what works best for your family. The goal is to create a deeply connected environment filled with understanding and mutual respect. Steps to consider navigating sibling dynamics effectively: 

1. Begin with an open conversation to check in with all children and identify and address unmet needs or feelings. Family discussions that validate each child’s feelings increase emotional intelligence and prevent resentment. 

2. Explore shared activities that siblings have common interests in, such as arts and crafts, sports, or family game nights that allow for bonding through fun. Engaging in common interests fosters positive interactions, a principle supported by play therapy research. 

3. Plan one-on-one time to foster deeper connections between you and your child and between your children together. This shows them they are valued as individuals and strengthens your bond with them. Individual attention from parents affirms each child’s value and has been linked to increased emotional security. 

4. Find collaborative problem-solving activities that can grow a sense of teamwork among different members of the family, like cooking a meal together, building up a family garden, or planning a trip where all members contribute ideas. Research in Systemic Family Therapy (SFT) supports structured teamwork activities to promote cooperation. 

5. Encourage siblings to teach and learn from each other by sharing skills and knowledge. This dynamic boosts confidence and fosters admiration and appreciation. Studies in educational psychology suggest that peer-to-peer learning strengthens mutual understanding and self-esteem. 

6. Celebrate individual strengths as a family to create a sense of shared pride and unity. Positive reinforcement strategies can build self-confidence and sibling appreciation. 

7. Demonstrate patience and understanding to encourage children to emulate the same behaviours. Parental behaviour directly influences sibling interactions and emotional regulation. 

8. Create a shared vision for the family, like volunteering or working on a project, to strengthen bonds. Family projects aligned with collective goals strengthen sibling relationships. 

9. Allow children moments of independence to help manage frustrations and develop self-soothing skills.  
10. For neurodiverse children, structured routines reduce anxiety and help balance attention. Predictability benefits neurodiverse children by reducing anxiety, as supported by behavioural intervention studies. 

PAUSE AND REFLECT

Think of a time when you celebrated one child’s achievement.

How could you include other siblings in that celebration?

These moments create a sense of belonging for everyone. 

Benefits of Implementing These Strategies 

Undergoing shared experiences, one-on-one time, and problem-solving collaboration can create a sense of mutual respect and empathy between the siblings, and the whole family. Including extended family can be a positive way to reinforce these practices, helping to cultivate a broader network of understanding and support.

Implementing these strategies can lead to meaningful growth and connection within your family:  

• Strengthen sibling relationships and create shared memories that promote bonding.  

• Ensure each child feels valued as their unique contributions are recognised and appreciated. 

• Foster teamwork and encourage unity from shared goals. 

• Build confidence and empower each child by celebrating individual strengths. 

• Reinforce positive dynamics with a supportive family environment. 

• Create a safe space where everyone feels able to express their thoughts and emotions. 

The journey to a more balanced relationship between siblings is not about achieving perfection but making intentional choices that foster understanding, connection, and empathy. Embrace your family’s unique dynamic and celebrate each child’s individuality to create a foundation for open communication and lifelong bonds.

It’s important to acknowledge the specific struggles that neurotypical siblings may face. Feelings of neglect, resentment, or pressure can arise when they perceive an imbalance in attention. Addressing these challenges through empathy, communication, and intentional action is key to nurturing positive dynamics.  With patience and love, every family can grow into an environment where every member feels seen, valued, and supported – minimising the tug for balance and allowing for better wellbeing all around. 

Cultural Connection

In many Indigenous cultures, families emphasise collective responsibility and mutual support. For example, Native American traditions often promote “kinship networks,” where siblings and extended relatives collaborate to nurture and support one another. Collectivist approaches often buffer stress and strengthen familial support systems, which can be beneficial in neurodiverse family settings. Incorporating such approaches can help families foster stronger sibling bonds. 

We asked our community: How do you promote balanced and healthy relationships between neurodiverse and neurotypical siblings? 

 ‘It is important to remember as parents that we are all experiencing parenthood for the first time, but checking in and allowing all children equal opportunities to express themselves has been crucial for our family!’ –Lori, mum of two 

‘I teach my children the importance of understanding that everyone will face challenges in different ways with different things, and we must be patient with each other and provide extra support when needed.’ –Kristen, mum of three and teacher

Final Thoughts

It is important to remember that your children don’t need perfection, they need compassion, understanding and intentional choices. Celebrating each other’s unique strengths will create a family filled with love and understanding, where everyone feels like they belong. 

Reflect

Know someone who could benefit from these insights?

Share this piece with a fellow parent or educator to help build more inclusive and supportive families.

References:

1. Indergaard, J., (2023). It’s never about me: Strategies to meet the hidden needs of siblings of kids with ADHD. Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD). https://chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-news-caregivers/its-never-about-me-strategies-to-meet-the-hidden-needs-of-siblings-of-kids-with-adhd/ 
2. Feldman, R. (2012). Oxytocin and social affiliation in humans. Hormones and Behaviour, 61(3), 380–391. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yhbeh.2012.01.008 
3. Kaggwa, H. (2024, July 21). Thinking differently, thriving together: A guide to neurodiversity. Assured Hope Health. https://assuredhopehealth.com/glossary/thinking-differently-thriving-together-a-guide-to-neurodiversity/  
4. Miodrag, N., & Hodapp, R. M. (2010). How to build a resilient family when your child has developmental differences. Greater Good Magazine.https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_build_a_resilient_family_when_your_child_has_developmental_differenc 
5. Sams, K., & Truscott, J. (2023). SFT for ASD: A systemic intervention for neurodiverse families. Journal of Family Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12475  
6. Tutu, D. (1999). No future without forgiveness. New York, NY: Doubleday.  
7. Krejčová, K., Chýlová, H., & Rymešová, P. (2023). Analysis of siblings’ relationship and parenting style using structure modelling approach. PLOS ONE, 18(2), e0281266. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0281266 

This piece was written for you by

Jessica Medlin

A cognitive science student at the University of Virginia / Neuro Brain Trust Member 

Jessica is a cognitive science student at the University of Virginia and a research assistant at the Developmental Neuroanalytics Lab. Passionate about neuroscience and science communication, she explores human development through research and writing. 

Jessica Medlin

A cognitive science student at the University of Virginia / Neuro Brain Trust Member 

A small river named Duden flows by their place and supplies it with the necessary

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